A Sign of Domestic Abuse?
Advice for Domestic Abuse Victims

by:  Calleen Wilder

Let me begin this article by saying that I am not a medical expert who diagnoses and treats domestic violence victims; instead, I am a survivor of a very abusive situation.  I know the signs of domestic abuse because I have been abused and I recognize what he did in order to abuse me, and I recognize what I did to cover it up.

I know that people who are victims of domestic abuse often have difficultly acknowledging, even to themselves, that they are being abused.  Therefore, I will not only list the outward signs of abuse that friends, family and acquaintances can look for; but also the internal signs of what domestic abuse looks like so that the victims of domestic violence can be honest with themselves and no longer refuse to see what is really happening to them.  I know it happens, this refusal to see, because I did it myself.

Outward Signs of someone you expect is being abused are:

One of the first signs of abuse that you might notice, is that abusive partners always start out by isolating their victims from their friends and family.     

• So, are you seeing your friend or family member less? 
  
• Are they constantly making excuses why they can't do the things they have always done with you?
  
• Do they seem more isolated?
• Do they avoid your questions about their life, their relationship or their reasons for no longer participating in group functions?

Know too that their abuse can begin with verbal assaults or may quickly escalate into physical encounters. 

• So do they suddenly have unexplained bruises, or bruises that their explanations simply don't account for? 
• Or, are they constantly making excuses because they nearly always have marks on their bodies?

Some domestic abusers leave marks where other people can't see them.  I once knew of a man who used to sit on top of his wife while he grabbed her head and bounced the back of her head off of their floors....No bruises.

So even if you see no outward manifestation of abuse,

• Do you see your friend becoming more withdrawn? 
  
• Are they very submissive when around their partner or when talking with them? 
  
• Do you see their personality switch between who you used to know, and someone you don't even recognize when in their partners presence?
• Do they appear to be his/her doormat?
  

• Do they no longer talk about their relationship with you? 
  
• Have they become evasive and switch the subject when their partner is brought up?
• Do they have more trouble making eye contact....again, especially with their partner?
• Does their partner seem to check up on them frequently?  Perhaps calling them or their work quite often.  Some even follow them.

They have become prisoners to their partners, you can bet your life on it.  They don't object, disobey or anger them casually.  When they know they have over-stepped some boundary, perhaps simply by running a few minutes late on their outing with you, they become flustered, scared and rush to get themselves together and get home.

• When you call does their partner often answer the phone and tell you they aren't at home, when you know they are? 
• Or, can you tell by your friend's voice that their partner is listening to the conversation?

I've known women whose husbands don't allow them to even check the mail.  Who also constantly monitor their phone calls by either staying in the same room, or picking up another phone in the house to listen in on their calls. 

The abusers become extremely controlling, obsessive and often start arguments, say horrible things or make unnecessary and unreasonable accusations; sometimes even when in the presence of friends & family.  Usually this is progressive though, as they normally start out being very kind and gentle with "the important people" who might surround their victim.

If you suspect someone is being abused, ask them if they want you to help?  Ask them if they need a place to stay, and if so, know that they will need counseling; not only to heal their past abuse, but in order to stay away from their abusers.  So many times we return....it doesn't make sense to the casual observer, but to the victim, it quite often seems the only thing to do.

The Internal Signs of domestic abuse:

• Does your partner hit you? 
  
• Do they frighten you when they're mad? 
  
• Do they hurl insults, accusations and threats at you?
• Have you quit enjoying your life and are now merely trying to survive your life a great deal of the time? 
  
• Are the good times with your partner extremely good?
• Is there a large gap between the highs and the lows with them?

• Have you been pushed, had something thrown at you, been called names? 
  
• Has your relationship changed dramatically since its inception? 
  
• Do you feel controlled?
• Have you found that you have to watch your words and actions diligently for fear of repercussion?

• Do you feel less attractive, less desirable and/or less intelligent since you've been with your partner?  Probably because of the things he/she has said to you, but also because you can't understand why you stay.
• Do you see your friends less?
• Have most of his friends become your new friends?
  

Abusers almost always surround themselves and their victims with the people they associate with, who are normally people who either say nothing about their abusing you, or who abuse or are abused themselves.

When you are in an abusive relationship, your abuser will surround you with people who are a lot like him.  You will lose your grasp on reality and begin to think that the abuse is somehow "normal".  It's not.....don't forget that.

I know that you know if you are being abused... quit lying to yourself and making excuses for him. You may not want to know that you're being abused because that would require you to leave.  And for some crazy reason, when we are being abused the last thing we want to do is leave.  Just know that once you get on the outside of the situation, really out, not just teetering between staying and leaving.....you'll see how ridiculous your life has become, and hopefully, you'll make yourself not go back.

Lastly, and perhaps most tragically,

• Do you hear your children crying because of your fights?
• Do they try to protect you? 
• Are they being hit or yelled at too? 
  
• Is your home sometimes completely out of control and not only frightening to you, but terrifying to your children?

If so you must leave.  If not for you, for them.

For more information, read my book "When the Hands You Love Harm You".   It's about Abuse in general and it will walk you through the reasons I believe that we stay in abusive relationships, and even explore how we got there in the first place.

God Speed.

P.S.  If your friend or relative is being abused, just be blunt and ask them about it.  Offer to help and provide the means for them to leave if you can.  However, know too that quite often they won't leave their abusers. I know that it doesn't make any sense, but it has become their reality.  It is also greatly contributed to by their own inability to "own" what is really happening to them, because they HAVE to believe he/she loves them, otherwise, how can they justify why they've stayed for so long?  That fact alone often prevents them from leaving.

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